Does the thought of saying your vows in front of a crowd panic you?

The law in Australia states that the legal vows exchanged in a marriage ceremony must be audible.  However, for some people the thought of saying anything in front of more than a few of their closest friends or their immediate family is enough to bring on a panic attack.

In this case, it’s best to make sure that the ceremony is finalised well in advance of the actual wedding date to give the nervous person the opportunity to practise, practise, and practise some more.  It’s also a good idea not to ask them to say too much, so in addition to the legal vows that must be spoken, keep any personal promises short and sweet.

If all the preparation in the world still doesn’t take away an anxious person’s dread, consider having only the legal wording and suggest that they invite a minimum number of people.  You can be legally married with just you, your celebrant and two witnesses.

If it’s the groom who is worried about speaking in front of a “cast of thousands” but the bride still wants her moment of glory, you could be married quietly wherever you want and then ask your celebrant to accompany you to the reception venue.  Once all the guests are there, the bride can be escorted in by her father or other significant person, preceeded or followed by flower girls, page boys, bridesmaids; whatever she wants.  As soon as the bride, groom and anyone else in wedding party are gathered in front of the guests, instead of launching into a marriage ceremony, the celebrant could then announce that they have much pleasure in presenting Bride and Groom with their marriage certificate and introducing them to everyone for the first time as Mr and Mrs Newly Married Couple.

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Where does your celebrant come on your list of priorities?

Okay, you’ve set the date and are making your list of “Things-to-Do” in preparation for your wedding.  Now, let’s get organized.

Dress – check

Shoes – check

Bridesmaids – check

Bridesmaids’ dresses – check

Groom’s suit – check

Groomsmen – check

Groomsmen’s suits – check

Flowers – check

Cars – check

Reception venue – check

Hairdresser – check

Make-up artist – check

Honeymoon – check

Presents for each other – check

Hmm – is there something missing?  Oh that’s right, who is going to actually marry us?

It’s quite strange really how couples who choose a civil ceremony don’t realise it’s necessary to research celebrants, interview at least a few and then hopefully lock in their preferred person for their date.  They don’t seem seem to realise that really good celebrants are often booked up to a year or 18 months in advance.  Who doesn’t want the best for their special day?

The ceremony is where you and your beloved make life-long promises to love, honour, support, encourage, help, laugh with, cry with and strive together to build your relationship into something that will stand strong against whatever life throws at you. The rest is just a party.

So please think about who you want to help you write the exact ceremony that reflects everything you mean to each other.  Don’t risk leaving it too late to find your perfect celebrant.

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Overseas visitors marrying in Australia

In a previous post I explained that anyone who is free to marry (over the age of 18 and not too closely related to each other) may do so in Australia.  If you choose a civil celebrant you can hold your ceremony anywhere, on any day of the week, at any time of the day.

You might wonder how to go about organising this if you are overseas until just before the big day.  Thank goodness for the Internet!  With email there is virtually nothing you cannot do using technology.  As soon as you have paid a deposit to secure your booking in your celebrant’s diary, she or he can send you a link to download your Notice of Intended Marriage.  After you complete this and have it witnessed by an approved person (authorised people are listed on page 4 of the Notice) you can then scan and email it to your celebrant.  The Notice is deemed to be lodged on the date that s/he receives it this way.  You should send the original document, together with copies of all relevant documents (i.e. birth certificates or passports, and death or divorce papers if appropriate) by Registered Post to the celebrant as soon as possible.

From this point on you can work together on drafts of your ceremony until you are happy with the final product.  There are a few formalities that are best taken care of a few days before the ceremony, but these can also be dealt with on the actual day as long as it is before the ceremony starts.  You must show all original documents to your celebrant and sign a declaration stating that there is no impediment to your marriage to each other.  Once this is out of the way, the ceremony can begin.

In about 20 minutes you can be husband and wife with wonderful memories of a very special event – your wedding day in Australia.

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Elements of a marriage ceremony

Your celebrant is booked and of course you did this in plenty of time – preferably six to twelve months before the wedding date but at the very latest immediately after you’ve finalised your reception booking.  Naturally you don’t want to risk missing out on having your perfect celebrant just because you didn’t think to book her/him in time!  Remember that the ceremony is the most important part of the day because the words you say to each other on this occasion are the foundation upon which your entire marriage will be built.  So, your Notice of Intended Marriage has been lodged with your celebrant and you are ready to start creating your ceremony.  Are you familiar with how your ceremony might run?

1.    Bride’s Entry (optional)

Traditionally, if you have flower girls and/or page boys, they go down the aisle first, although if they are very young you would be wise to have at least one adult shepherding them.  Next is the bride, ahead of her bridesmaids. The reason for your adult bridesmaids to follow rather than precede you is that if you have a traditional wedding gown with train, they can manage this for you, keeping if off the ground and arranging it when you arrive at the ceremony focal point.

The bride can be escorted by her father, her mother (or both), her child(ren), a loved grandparent, or anyone at all who is important to her. She can even walk in alone – it’s entirely her choice.  Another way is for the bride and groom to enter together, something that is increasingly popular with more mature couples.

The bride can even be met when she arrives by the groom and the guests then they all walk together to where the ceremony will take place.  This creates an especially intimate, casual feeling and works well with small weddings.

2.    Giving Away/Parental Blessing (optional)

The question of asking the bride’s father “who gives this woman in marriage” is often left out of civil ceremonies today.  This dates back to the time when a bride’s father literally owned her; she was his possession to dispose of as he wished.

I personally prefer a parental blessing, where all the parents are called forward and asked to give their blessing to their children’s marriage.

3.    Monitum (essential)

The wording of the Monitum must be spoken by your celebrant – this is not negotiable.

In the first part of the Monitum, the celebrant identifies him or herself and states that they are authorised by law to solemnise marriages.  The words are:

“My name is Jane Gillespie and I am authorised by law to solemnise marriages according to law.”

These words may be spoken with the second part of the Monitum or earlier in the ceremony – often straight after welcoming everyone.  The second part of the Monitum is:

“Before you are joined in marriage in my presence and the presence of these witnesses I am to remind you of the solemn and binding nature of the relationship into which you are now about to enter. Marriage according to law in Australia is the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life.”

These words cannot be changed.  It is also essential for the full names of both bride and groom be spoken at least once during the ceremony.  They can preface the second part of the Monitum, e.g. “ABC and DEF, before you are joined in marriage…”, or be used anywhere else in the ceremony.

4.    Combined Asking and Legal Vows (the Asking is optional, legal vows essential)

This is the special moment when not only are you asked if you want to marry each other, but you exchange your legal vows as part of your answer.  The legal vows are not negotiable; you must say the following words:

“I call upon the persons/people here present…

To witness that I, AB(C), take you, DE(F)…

(You can drop your last names if all names have been spoken elsewhere in the ceremony, however all given names must be used – no nicknames)

To be my (lawful) (wedded) husband/wife (you must say at least one of these words).

If you have an engagement ring you might wonder what do with it during the ceremony.  Before your entrance ask your mother, sister, chief bridesmaid (someone you trust!) to mind your engagement ring for you or put it onto your right hand. After the ceremony you can then put it back onto your left hand (with your wedding ring closest to the knuckle).

5.    Ring Ceremony and extra personal vows (optional)

It’s not necessary to exchange rings.  You can substitute a gift of any type or leave this part out altogether.  However, most couples feel strongly that they (or at least the bride) want to wear a ring.  If rings are given, this is an appropriate place to incorporate extra personal vows that you’ve chosen or written yourselves.  If no rings are exchanged, the personal promises can be added on at the end of your legal vows.

6.    Readings (optional)

You can personalise your ceremony by including special readings or poetry.  Asking someone special to do this for you means you can include them even if it wasn’t possible to make them part of the bridal party.  Readings can occur anywhere within the ceremony

7.    Declaration of Marriage (this is optional but adds to the ceremony)

Appropriate wording here could be:

“Bride and Groom have declared before all of us today that they have freely agreed to marry each other and they have made a contract of marriage between them.

They have made special promises to each other and have symbolised this by joining hands, by taking vows (and by the giving and receiving of rings).

Therefore, by the authority vested in me by the Commonwealth Government of Australia, on your behalf and on behalf of the entire community, as the Celebrant by whom your marriage has been solemnised, I have great pleasure in now pronouncing you husband and wife.

Bride and Groom, you may now share your first kiss as a married couple.”

8.    Signing the documents (this is essential)

The celebrant, the couple and their two witnesses each sign three separate documents:

i)   A decorative certificate that you keep on the day.

ii)  Another certificate that goes into the Registry Office and is used to register your marriage.

iii) The Celebrant’s Marriage Register

9.    Presentation and Introduction (optional)

The Celebrant (or anyone else you nominate) presents you with your commemorative certificate and introduces you to your guests for the first time as a married couple.

10. Recessional (optional)

The bride and groom walk side by side through the guests, followed by the bridal party, both sets of parents, grandparents and other family members.  Guests then follow before congratulating Mr and Mrs Newly Married Couple…

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Why you must have an alternative venue for your ceremony

One of the benefits of being married in Australia by a Civil Marriage Celebrant is that you can have your ceremony anywhere you want.  It could be on a cliff top where the big question was asked; on the beach; in a park; in your own garden; on board a boat; in a hot air balloon; on a plane… the list is only limited by your imagination.

The only thing you need to keep in mind is to have a back-up plan and be realistic about when you need to change to your alternative venue if circumstances go against you.  I say ‘be realistic’ because it’s easy to be so hooked on wanting your wedding ceremony to take place in your favourite place, that desire can overtake commonsense.

A sensible celebrant will have an agreement in writing with you that a final decision needs to be made in plenty of time for everyone to be notified if the venue has to be changed.  While it might be disappointing not to be married at sunset on the headland overlooking the ocean where your proposal took place, there is nothing romantic about your documents being rained on or worse still, blown away and everyone looking like drowned rats in the photos.  Another scenario could be guests dropping with heat stroke and the bridal party suffering second-degree burns on the hottest day of the century.

However, if the alternative venue is close by then a decision can be made at the last minute.  I recently officiated at a small wedding in a park just below the house where the reception was being held.  It rained gently off and on but armed with my supply of umbrellas (two huge, one normal man’s size and one smaller folding one) plus some that sensible guests had brought with them, we still managed to hold the ceremony by the water without anyone getting too wet.  There was one small drop of water on the couple’s marriage certificate but I told everyone that rain was a good omen.  It meant a cleansing so that their lives as a married couple could start with the past washed clean and a new path ahead of them and that the water spot on their certificate will be a permanent reminder of their ‘good fortune’.  They loved it!

On another occasion it had been pouring all day but at the eleventh hour the Groom said we would still hold the ceremony outdoors.  The ground was sodden and we had to move much further out onto rocks (and closer to the cliff edge) to avoid standing ankle deep in water.  The sky was almost black but the rain held off for just long enough and as I pronounced the couple to be husband and wife three rainbows appeared directly behind them, arching through the dark clouds – amazing.  Then the wind started and I made an executive decision that all document signing would take place at the reception venue, which was luckily within walking distance.  We gathered everything up and ran for it, with the last person getting under cover just as the heavens opened with an enormous clap of thunder.  After a few restorative beverages, the rain stopped, the sun came out and we finished the ceremony off with the signing of documents and presentation of the couple as Mr and Mrs Newly Married to the assembled guests.

Experienced celebrants have come across just about any scenario and have found ways to manage most situations.  If your celebrant suggests you change to your alternative venue and you don’t want to, remember you have hired them not simply to perform your ceremony but to ensure that it goes as smoothly as possible.  Listen to their advice because it will be in your best interests.

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More than a party

So you’ve made the big decision that you want to spend the rest of your lives with each other – congratulations!  When you start planning your big day, what are some of the things you have to think about?

• The Dress
• How many people will be coming
• Who pays for what
• Your budget
• Where you will be married
• Where you’ll hold the reception
• What type of reception you want
• Who to invite
• Where you will go for your honeymoon
• Who you will ask to be the bridesmaids and groomsmen
• What the bridesmaids will wear
• The cake
• The cars
• The flowers
• Whether you will have music during the ceremony as well as at the reception

All these things need to be considered, but have you noticed what’s missing?

WHO is going to perform the ceremony?

If you decide on a civil celebrant you can’t expect to find the right person a month before the wedding.  Good celebrants are often booked up to a year in advance, so it’s advisable to contact a few as soon as you have booked your reception to make sure you find someone you can really relate to and who is available on your date.

You should meet at least a couple of people face-to-face to see if you have a rapport with them.  An experienced professional celebrant will work closely with you to create a personal, meaningful ceremony that will stay with you long after the flowers have died and the cake is eaten.

Your wedding day isn’t just an excuse for a party.  It is the start of your lives together as husband and wife and the words you say to each other are the foundation on which your whole marriage will be built.  There is no better way to start the celebrations than to exchange honest deeply-felt promises with each other before those magical words are spoken:

“I now declare you to be husband and wife!”

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Getting married in Australia

Anyone who is eligible (i.e. free to marry) can be married in Australia. The process is the same for overseas visitors and Australian residents, but do you know what the process is?

The Marriage Act states that a Notice of Intended Marriage must be lodged with your celebrant a minimum of one month and one day before the date of your wedding.

If you were born in Australia you are required to provide your original birth certificate.   People born overseas may use their foreign passports, although a birth certificate (in English) is still the preferred document.  Anyone who has been married before must also produce original divorce documents or death certificates relating to previous spouses.

If you don’t want a religious service you can get married at the Registry Office however there are restrictions.  Depending on the particular Registry Office you could be limited to as few as 10 guests and the wording of the ceremony is pretty much prescribed to what is legally required by the Marriage Act.  The ceremony will be very short and on busy days it can be a bit like a conveyor belt.  Everyone’s ceremony is basically the same with only the names changed.

Alternatively, marriages performed by authorised civil celebrants can be held any time of the day, on any day of the year and in any location that you choose.  You can also have as many guests as desired and include far more within the ceremony than the basic wording allowed in a Registry Office marriage.

In 2008 approximately 65% of Australian marriages were performed by authorised civil celebrants (http://www.abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@.nsf/cat/3306.0.55.001).

So, you decide that you want to have a civil marriage celebrant but think there’s plenty of time to find the best one.  Don’t risk being disappointed!   Experienced celebrants are often booked up to a year or more in advance, so it’s advisable to find the person you want as soon as you have locked in your date with the reception venue.

Once you’ve chosen your celebrant you complete and lodge the Notice of Intended Marriage with that person.  This form is available from any marriage celebrant or can be downloaded from the Attorney-General’s website.

Apart from some legally required wording, everything else can be of your own choosing.  Marriage Celebrants have many resources to offer you as suggestions for readings, personal vows, poetry and additional rituals.  Good celebrants will spend time getting to know you so that they have an idea of who you are.  They will then draft a unique ceremony that reflects you and your relationship and continue to work with you until you are happy that your ceremony feels just right.

If possible, it’s best to hold a rehearsal about a week in advance at the same time of day as your actual ceremony, to see where sun and shade will be.  This helps you make final decisions about where everyone will stand for the best photo shots.

Before the marriage can take place you must both sign statutory declarations affirming that there is no legal impediment to your marriage.  These are usually signed at the rehearsal.

After you have been pronounced husband and wife more document signing takes place.  There are three documents to be signed by the couple, two adult witnesses, and the celebrant.  These are:

• a certificate that the celebrant sends to the Registrar of Births Deaths and Marriage to register your marriage;
• a commemorative certificate that you will take with you; and
• the celebrant’s register.

Within 14 days of the marriage the celebrant sends the original documents to the Registry of Births Deaths and Marriages via Registered Post.  If you are changing your name on bank accounts, car registration, passports etc. you will need a registered copy of your marriage certificate.  The celebrant can submit an application for this certificate on your behalf when submitting the other paperwork.

Remember that your celebrant’s involvement with you over many weeks or months and his/her presence on the day are fundamental to ensuring that your celebrations begin with a beautiful memorable marriage ceremony, ensuring you are now – legally – Mr. & Mrs. Married Couple!

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